Jack and Candace at Remedy
Jack leans in close to my ear and whispers, “You wanna dance?”
Taking my hand in his, he helps me off the barstool, and we make our way to the crowded dance floor. I start to move to the beat of the music that blasts throughout the club. ‘Push It’ by Garbage is playing, and I lose myself in the sea of people dancing around me along with the flashing lights and loud music.
Jack is behind me, and I feel his arms as they slide across my stomach, underneath the hem of my top. He moves in sync with me as I dance to the rhythm of the song. I can already feel drops of sweat trickling down my spine, and it must be the tequila that is making me feel bold when I reach up behind me and wrap my hand around the back of his neck. I feel the stubble on his jaw as he glides his chin along my damp neck and takes a soft bite. Shit, that’s hot.
Turning me around in his arms, I can see the heat in his darkening eyes. I rake my fingers through the hair on the back of his head as he pulls my hips tight against him, and he leans down and covers my mouth with his.
I’m not sure what has come over me. Since my conversation with Roxy, I have been a little bit bolder with myself. But here, in the middle of this dance floor, kissing Jack, is pretty damn bold for me.
Ambulance
I stare up at the bright white light that is above me in the cab of the ambulance and focus on my breathing.
What just happened? Is this even real?
“Miss, how do you feel? Can you tell me if anything hurts?” he asks.
How do I feel? I don’t know how I feel. I don’t even know what the hell just happened. I feel scared and numb. I feel everything and nothing all at once. I feel like this is a dream—a goddamn nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I don’t understand. I’m so confused. Fear and misery rip through me and create a new emotion that I can’t even begin to describe. My heated tears roll continuously down the side of my face as I remain staring at the white light.
“Miss?”
“I don’t know,” is all I can manage to say, my only attempt at a response to his very confusing question.
I move my eyes downward to look at my body, and I am covered in a grey wool blanket. Suddenly, I remember that I am naked beneath this blanket. Embarrassment wells up inside of me, and I begin to sob uncontrollably.
“I want to go home!”
Candace in the Rain
As I drive, reality slowly starts creeping back in, and the weight in my chest returns. The thunder continues to rumble, and I feel like the weather fits my mood perfectly. The clouds open, and the rain begins to crash down on my windshield. I turn my wipers on high, but I struggle to see the road ahead. I pull into one of the empty parking lots on campus to wait until the rain lightens up. While sitting in the car, I listen to the rain beating violently against the steel.
For some reason, I get the urge to get out of my car. I open the door and step out into the rain. Closing the door, I lean against the car, and within seconds, I’m drenched. The beating of the raindrops against my delicate skin feels good, almost painful in a way—but good. I lean my head back and feel the pellets as they strike my face. I enjoy the biting sensation. With my eyes closed, I just stand there, wishing I could live here, in this vacant lot, alone, focusing on nothing more than the stinging pleasure of the storm as it batters me. Knowing that this will soon end, that the sun is lingering behind the clouds and I will be faced with the hell that is my life, my body slides down the side of my car, and I sit in a puddle of water on the dirty ground and cry.
Why didn’t I fight more?
The xx Concert
Leaning forward, resting my elbows on the bookcase, Ryan lowers himself next to me, and I instantly feel Jase’s protective hand on my back. Standing here, next to Ryan, we listen to The xx play an extended version of ‘Intro.’ The languid plucks of the guitar are soon interlaced with the ever thumping of the bass drum. The song begins to intensify into a fusion of haunting and seductive sounds. I push back off the bookcase while Ryan remains leaning on his elbows. I watch him. I shouldn’t be, but I am. His hair is a rich dark brown that falls slightly over his ears. He has a strong, well-defined jaw and a muscular frame that is evident through his dark grey shirt. Looking back at me over his shoulder, a small lock of his hair falls over his forehead. What am I doing? I take a step back as he pushes himself off the bookcase and looks at me. Turning around quickly to walk away, I run smack into Mark’s chest.
Tripping over my own feet, he catches me and asks, “Whoa, everything okay?”
“I wanna go,” I say softly so that no one can hear me but him.
Dance Studio
“Again!”
The music repeats, and I go through the steps over and again. “Pick it up, Candace! Hit! Hit!” She claps the counts loudly and continues, “I’m not feeling it! Come ON! Feel it! Watch that port a bras. Demi second, make it strong!” I focus on her commands, trying to keep my emotions tight, although I feel like I’m at my end. She’s relentless. “Again. Last one,” she says, and she starts the music over.
“This time . . . feel it, Candace. Really feel it. Let it out.”
I nod my head and silently take my position again as the music pounds through the room. Working my way through the steps, my toes are aching, but I push through again. I can hear the frustration in Ms. Emerson when she yells over the music. “Feel it, Candace! You’re dead behind the movements . . . Make that spotting stronger!” CLAP CLAP CLAP “Hit those fouettès . . . Smooth out that demi right there. I’m getting nothing! Feel, Candace!”
She shuts off the music, and I stop, standing in the center of the floor when she walks toward me.
Speaking softly, she says, “Whatever walls you have built this year, you need to break them down. I’m getting nothing from you. You feel nothing.”
“Yes,” I say breathlessly as I nod my head.
“We spoke about this earlier, but I’m not seeing any changes. This is a powerful piece of music. In my opinion, the best piece of all the girls, but you’re wasting it. Whatever this is . . . fix it.”
“Okay.” And before I can say anything else, she turns to leave.
When the door closes behind her, I let out my pent up frustration and scream through my clenched teeth. Ripping off my pointes, I throw them hard across the room. I lie back on the floor, taking a few deep breaths and feel the tears welling up. My emotions are on edge after being so harshly berated for the past two hours.
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